Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

What's on your mind this time?

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Originally posted by Mr.Sunshine View Post
    my mother passed away a couple of days ago
    these past days have been excruciating and overwhelming for me I havent felt so horrible cold and alone since my sisters funeral
    shes gone like in forever gone my family is all gone ive lost my papa sister and now my mama
    life doesnt feel real to me anymore it feels realy bad and meaningless
    i wish she had taken me with her




    i like to think that heaven is out there and that my family is there
    it makes me not want to jump of a bridge get hit by a train blow my brains out i would not want to them to lok at me like that
    i'll pray for her eternal soul and i will try to find the power to live i hope that I live for a short life that would ve for ethe best
    *hugs* I like to think they aren't out there somewhere but close by and always with you <3

    I'm sorry for your loss. You've always been so strong

    Comment


    • Mr.Sunshine
      Mr.Sunshine commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Ori.

      Your thoughts were very beautiful and considerate.

      Hopefully, they're in my heart, if they have to be anywhere else than Heaven.

    Originally posted by Mr.Sunshine View Post
    my mother passed away a couple of days ago
    these past days have been excruciating and overwhelming for me I havent felt so horrible cold and alone since my sisters funeral
    shes gone like in forever gone my family is all gone ive lost my papa sister and now my mama
    life doesnt feel real to me anymore it feels realy bad and meaningless
    i wish she had taken me with her




    i like to think that heaven is out there and that my family is there
    it makes me not want to jump of a bridge get hit by a train blow my brains out i would not want to them to lok at me like that
    i'll pray for her eternal soul and i will try to find the power to live i hope that I live for a short life that would ve for ethe best
    I'm terribly sorry, Mana. I understand some of what you must be going through right now, but the grief of loss of your other family members is not something I can speak on. Even still, I hope that perhaps I can help you as you did with me. I think that if I were in your situation, and I was able to step outside of myself and my emotions for a moment, hopefully one of the questions I would think to ask is "for what reasons did I treasure these people so much, and what was it that was so fulfilling?" One's instinctual answer might be "they were my family", but what if they hadn't been? What if I had been adopted at a young age and never known it, and I found that out? I don't think that would change the way I value my sisters or my dearly missed mother. I wouldn't see our relationships as a meaningless waste of time not worth remembering or cherishing. My feeling of purpose, of being able to work and provide for them and give them a decently good life, would go unchanged and I would still have enjoyed being able to act as that role for them. With that in mind, my hope would be that as I have been providing and enriching the lives of my sisters, that I can still continue to be a positive force in the lives of others once the youngest of my sisters finally leaves to go to pursue a higher education or a career. Maybe I will give romantic pursuits another try, and see if I can meet someone who shares many values similar to my own but who is also their own person (though likely not very common to happen down here lol, the education system is severely backwards same as the cultural and moral values, maybe i'll go to Europe idk) and some day start my own family. Of course, if that doesn't happen, then I'll keep to things as they would be if I were living apart from my family, and just make new friends and do work for the betterment of others. For me, this takes the form of my bakery, my art, and my music, but it can be almost anything. The point is to be a positive force in the lives of others - because THAT is ultimately what fulfilled me when I was acting a parental role with my sisters.

    Be a good person, Mana. Be good and do good deeds so that your light can live forever in the hearts of others just as your family lives in yours. Know that you are loved, and that we are here for you just as you would be there for any of your friends. Know that you are not alone, and whether it's God, your significant other, or a friend, that you will never be alone. I know that it is very hard to feel the warmth of that love right now, and I wish with all of my heart that I could be there in person so that these words could be more than text. Believe me that it's painful to the point of tears for me to understand that I can't be there right now at your side to hug you and tell you that it's okay, let it all out, don't be afraid of the world, I'm here to help you through these times. I'm sorry that I can't be that physical presence right now to shield you from that cold loneliness you must feel in your heart right now, truly I am, Mana, if I could I would drop everything to be there with you because I do understand some of that despair, but all I can do for you right now is send you my condolences and most heartfelt best wishes to you. Please take care of yourself, please don't neglect your health. Please be safe and try your best to be happy. Don't be afraid of seeking professional treatment, it really does help quite alot. I love you, dear friend, so please don't ever think that your life is something that can be thrown away. Take care of yourself, Mana. You are not alone nor unloved, so please take care of yourself.

    Comment


      Originally posted by Helly View Post

      I'm terribly sorry, Mana. I understand some of what you must be going through right now, but the grief of loss of your other family members is not something I can speak on. Even still, I hope that perhaps I can help you as you did with me. I think that if I were in your situation, and I was able to step outside of myself and my emotions for a moment, hopefully one of the questions I would think to ask is "for what reasons did I treasure these people so much, and what was it that was so fulfilling?" One's instinctual answer might be "they were my family", but what if they hadn't been? What if I had been adopted at a young age and never known it, and I found that out? I don't think that would change the way I value my sisters or my dearly missed mother. I wouldn't see our relationships as a meaningless waste of time not worth remembering or cherishing. My feeling of purpose, of being able to work and provide for them and give them a decently good life, would go unchanged and I would still have enjoyed being able to act as that role for them. With that in mind, my hope would be that as I have been providing and enriching the lives of my sisters, that I can still continue to be a positive force in the lives of others once the youngest of my sisters finally leaves to go to pursue a higher education or a career. Maybe I will give romantic pursuits another try, and see if I can meet someone who shares many values similar to my own but who is also their own person (though likely not very common to happen down here lol, the education system is severely backwards same as the cultural and moral values, maybe i'll go to Europe idk) and some day start my own family. Of course, if that doesn't happen, then I'll keep to things as they would be if I were living apart from my family, and just make new friends and do work for the betterment of others. For me, this takes the form of my bakery, my art, and my music, but it can be almost anything. The point is to be a positive force in the lives of others - because THAT is ultimately what fulfilled me when I was acting a parental role with my sisters.

      Be a good person, Mana. Be good and do good deeds so that your light can live forever in the hearts of others just as your family lives in yours. Know that you are loved, and that we are here for you just as you would be there for any of your friends. Know that you are not alone, and whether it's God, your significant other, or a friend, that you will never be alone. I know that it is very hard to feel the warmth of that love right now, and I wish with all of my heart that I could be there in person so that these words could be more than text. Believe me that it's painful to the point of tears for me to understand that I can't be there right now at your side to hug you and tell you that it's okay, let it all out, don't be afraid of the world, I'm here to help you through these times. I'm sorry that I can't be that physical presence right now to shield you from that cold loneliness you must feel in your heart right now, truly I am, Mana, if I could I would drop everything to be there with you because I do understand some of that despair, but all I can do for you right now is send you my condolences and most heartfelt best wishes to you. Please take care of yourself, please don't neglect your health. Please be safe and try your best to be happy. Don't be afraid of seeking professional treatment, it really does help quite alot. I love you, dear friend, so please don't ever think that your life is something that can be thrown away. Take care of yourself, Mana. You are not alone nor unloved, so please take care of yourself.
      You don't have to apologize.

      I'm too tired of everything to even be hysterical and in pain anymore, so I'm okay for now.

      I'm sorry for making you or anyone else worried over what happened.

      I don't even have the heart to understand anything your telling me now, Helly.

      I'm really sorry.

      It truly can't be helped.

      I'm too tired of everything.

      If I could, I would just cease existing entirely.

      Life has been nothing more than meaningless suffering and more suffering, for me.

      I suffer, and suffer, and suffer and for what? To suffer more, and question the point of even being alive?

      Where does it end?

      Am I supposed to continue wanting to live on this imaginary hope that I'll finally be at peace and happy somewhere in this world?

      Am I supposed to lie to myself and continue wanting to live on the false hope that there'll be an answer to all this suffering?

      It doesn't even matter if I'm a good person or not- I'll suffer more and more regardless.

      Being a good person hasn't prevented any of the deaths of the people that I've ever loved in this world!

      None!

      Being a good person and doing good deeds didn't stop anyone from hurting/abusing/defiling/denigrating/tormenting me!

      It didn't! I only suffered even more!

      Being a good person didn't make horrible and awful people good, even when I poured all of my love and time into them!

      Being a good person didn't bring back to life the people I loved, Helly.

      I don't even think of myself as a good person- I'm just a person who goes out of their way to do the right thing.

      How can I continue wanting to live and be a good person doing the right thing, if I'm going to suffer through all of it?

      Just how much stronger do I have to be to make it to the end?


      I'm sorry. My head just hurts, so disregard what I said.

      I truly appreciate everything that you said, and I'm grateful that you're a dear friend to me.

      If I'm going to be a Paragon of Supreme Virtue, then I'm just going to have to become even stronger than ever before, right?

      I think that will take time, so you'll have to be patient and wait till I find the strength to be perfectly happy as I always am.

      Thank you for everything.

      Comment


        After grieving and mourning for my Mother's passing for all of these days, I don't think I can cry anymore tears, at this point.

        I'm too tired to even rest, too tired to just do nothing, so I put myself in a position where I refuse to go outside and do nothing productive inside of my home.

        If I could, I would seclude myself from the outside world forever, and live inside my house till my early death.

        However, I know that's not the right thing to do, so I have to chuck that idea outside of my head.

        I really don't know how, but I'm going to have to find the strength to adjust to my new reality.

        By then, I hope that I'll have the strength to be present at my Mother's funeral-burial, and not throw myself into her grave.

        I really don't want to go outside or see anyone today, so I'll spend the rest of the day navigating on the Internet and see if I see something beautiful and happy.

        It should keep the dark thoughts away for the moment.

        Comment


          Originally posted by Mr.Sunshine View Post
          my mother passed away a couple of days ago
          these past days have been excruciating and overwhelming for me I havent felt so horrible cold and alone since my sisters funeral
          shes gone like in forever gone my family is all gone ive lost my papa sister and now my mama
          life doesnt feel real to me anymore it feels realy bad and meaningless
          i wish she had taken me with her




          i like to think that heaven is out there and that my family is there
          it makes me not want to jump of a bridge get hit by a train blow my brains out i would not want to them to lok at me like that
          i'll pray for her eternal soul and i will try to find the power to live i hope that I live for a short life that would ve for ethe best
          ...I had not seen this...

          I don’t know what it’s like to lose a family member to death, though I have lost others to it that leave a hole in my heart.

          Make sure to hang around other people, good people, ones that can listen.

          In person, not just online.

          It’s never good to deal with this stuff alone in my experience, it just doesn’t seem to work as well as with someone to help you through it.
          Last edited by RussianCoffeeAddict; February 2nd, 2020, 02:37 PM.

          Comment


            Originally posted by Mr.Sunshine View Post

            You don't have to apologize.

            I'm too tired of everything to even be hysterical and in pain anymore, so I'm okay for now.

            I'm sorry for making you or anyone else worried over what happened.

            I don't even have the heart to understand anything your telling me now, Helly.

            I'm really sorry.

            It truly can't be helped.

            I'm too tired of everything.

            If I could, I would just cease existing entirely.

            Life has been nothing more than meaningless suffering and more suffering, for me.

            I suffer, and suffer, and suffer and for what? To suffer more, and question the point of even being alive?

            Where does it end?

            Am I supposed to continue wanting to live on this imaginary hope that I'll finally be at peace and happy somewhere in this world?

            Am I supposed to lie to myself and continue wanting to live on the false hope that there'll be an answer to all this suffering?

            It doesn't even matter if I'm a good person or not- I'll suffer more and more regardless.

            Being a good person hasn't prevented any of the deaths of the people that I've ever loved in this world!

            None!

            Being a good person and doing good deeds didn't stop anyone from hurting/abusing/defiling/denigrating/tormenting me!

            It didn't! I only suffered even more!

            Being a good person didn't make horrible and awful people good, even when I poured all of my love and time into them!

            Being a good person didn't bring back to life the people I loved, Helly.

            I don't even think of myself as a good person- I'm just a person who goes out of their way to do the right thing.

            How can I continue wanting to live and be a good person doing the right thing, if I'm going to suffer through all of it?

            Just how much stronger do I have to be to make it to the end?


            I'm sorry. My head just hurts, so disregard what I said.

            I truly appreciate everything that you said, and I'm grateful that you're a dear friend to me.

            If I'm going to be a Paragon of Supreme Virtue, then I'm just going to have to become even stronger than ever before, right?

            I think that will take time, so you'll have to be patient and wait till I find the strength to be perfectly happy as I always am.

            Thank you for everything.
            I cannot simply disregard those thoughts, Mana, as they have been things I have agonized over as well. Many people - many of them, even those who pretended to call themselves my family - liberally abused my trust and charity. They took money from me and never gave it back, but would always expect me to return any cent I might owe. They abused of my trust and patience and would give me any weak excuse for their shortcomings, but would demand of me the utmost perfection and sometimes even blame their failures on me no matter how utterly ridiculous it was. They lie, they cheated, they stole. All of it, mere days after my mother - their sister - had passed away. And it never got better. I would constantly try and reason them out of their petty squabbles with my father's side of the family, I would try to get them to stop causing me so much grief with their ridiculous drama, but it just seemed to make everything worse. Everyone just thought I was taking sides, when I was just trying to be as unbiased and objective as possible.

            It went on like that for several months. Most likely, I stayed committed because they were my mother's side of the family and so I desperately wanted to make things work out of respect for her. Eventually, something happened and it was the last straw for me. And I went to a similar place as you right now, questioning why I was doing anything good at all if all that it was ever going to earn me was more grief and stress. After all, I personally didn't even believe in a God, so why bother worrying about these pretenders who were never even in my life until very recently? It took me a long time to find an answer to that, believe me, but the reason I did so was that I didn't want anyone to suffer the way I had suffered. Life is indeed very cruel and wholly unfair, and everything to me is completely unjustified and ultimately meaningless if I think about it for too long, but the one singular truth that I find can be agreed upon by everyone is what you yourself have pointed out - the existence of pain. It cannot be reasoned with. It simply is, and everyone simply avoids it to the best of their ability. Everyone implicitly understands it, even if they've never thought about it at all. My motivation, my goal behind all my good actions, was to lessen the suffering of others and try to grant them the best life they could live within reason. The lessening of that suffering was its own reward. Knowing that they could be a little bit at ease, knowing that they knew they had at least one trustworthy person, that was reward enough for me.

            Of course, this had also led to one of my own errors because in my quest to lessen everyone else's burden, I had not stopped to consider my own health and well-being. I only cared about what the surrounding people were experiencing and not what I was going through, and that's how I ended up in that unfortunate situation. And so, what I would say to you is simply what I came to realize in that situation: Mana, you are not beholden to the people who have no consideration for you. If they don't care about what your experience is, then you should not care about theirs. Don't try to hurt them, but don't worry about saving them, either. People like that are cynical and beyond reasoning, they believe that it is better to abuse the trust of others because of what they themselves are and the knowledge that others like them unfortunately exist. None of that is your fault, they are simply completely alien in their mindset and it is beyond our power to do anything about that.

            I know that it will be much harder for you than it was for me - I had already been a cynical nihilist once before - but simply stop caring about what people like that will say or do, or what consequences they suffer because of their selfishness. They will only hurt you for your efforts and rob you of everything, even your faith and trust. If you still feel the need to do something for your own peace of mind, give them just enough so that they can keep living life to a reasonable degree that they are accustomed to but no more. Do not hope for them or expect anything returned from them, and if you should recieve anything simply remember that they are most likely doing it just to keep you around for your usefulness, or to have you lower your guard or to ask you for something later. That is one lesson I have learned as well: truly loving people don't act out these things so they can demand material things from you later. Truly loving people don't try to buy you with favors. Be wary of anyone who makes demands and throws these things in your face, saying "can't you see these things I have done? I have changed, so just trust me already!"

            I am an agnostic atheist, which means that I don't believe in a God, or a heaven and hell. I would certainly like to believe that such things exist, and that my mother might be living an eternal life of happiness as she deserves to for all the good she contributed to this world even though she, too, had her trust and charity abused by inconsiderate people. If I can be given the mercy of knowing that she is eternally happy, then I don't care what happens to my soul. The scriptures say that as a non-believer I will perish forever or burn in a lake of fire depending on which interpretation you believe. God can do whatever He wants with me so long as my mother is fine. I don't want to be rewarded with anything other than the betterment of the good of humanity. That's how I will choose to live my life, and hopefully how it will continue to be until my very last days on this earth. That's how, I think, you would live your life as well if you were a skeptic. Even in the darkest moments, even as you question the purpose of life, you hold onto the belief that there is something worthwhile about upholding your virtues. I hope you won't think I'm being too presumptuous, but I believe that it is similar to what has motivated me: to not leave anyone alone and destitute, to not let any of them suffer the darkness that you are experiencing now. It hurts you when others are hurt, and you are rewarded when you know that their suffering is lessened. I personally think that it is a great and noble thing, though I know you would probably shake your head at that thought because I do the same as well whenever someone praises me for my good actions. "I'm not a good person at all, I'm just doing my obligations", and I used to despair over that as well because I knew all of my shortcomings. I knew I still had so much more to work on. If I was a good person, what did that mean for the rest of the world? What was everyone else? I thought, "Jesus was such a huge role model for so many of these people at some point in their lives just as he had been for me, why wouldn't they follow his example to the best of their ability?" And that still holds true - I still am very much attracted to that image I had of Christ back then, of a perfectly good and forgiving person who you could just entrust with anything at all. I wanted to have someone like that in my dark times, and I wanted others to have someone like that for their darkest moments. I thank you, Mana, for being that person for me when I was dealing with the immense grief over my mother's death. I'm willing to be that person to the best of my abilities in these times for you. I'm sure that there are others, as well, who will treasure you for what you are and who won't make unreasonable demands of you. Simply trust that they are out there, and do your best every day to be a force for good.

            Comment


              My boyfriend will be making a profile tonight. Good luck to all.

              Comment


                oh fuck we're about to have a clash of the craniums tonight
                Originally posted by Kajin_Style
                I have this illness called "Having-a-Heart" and gives me this irrational sense of empathy and care for my fellow man.

                Comment


                  Originally posted by Pocket Rocket View Post
                  oh fuck we're about to have a clash of the craniums tonight
                  Doubtful it'll happen tonight. I'll be asleep in about an hour and a half because I wake up at 5am for work. But I'll respond to him tomorrow. (Assuming he shows. I still have my doubts.)

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by Cid View Post

                    Doubtful it'll happen tonight. I'll be asleep in about an hour and a half because I wake up at 5am for work. But I'll respond to him tomorrow. (Assuming he shows. I still have my doubts.)
                    Oh hey, I also wake up at five.

                    which is about five hours from now.

                    AAAAUUGHGHG
                    Originally posted by Wade
                    Everything is hidden in plain sight, like in Men in Black. We've all just been neuralized to think it is "normal".

                    Comment


                      lol. He didn't show.

                      Originally posted by OrganizationXV View Post

                      Oh hey, I also wake up at five.

                      which is about five hours from now.

                      AAAAUUGHGHG
                      You should have slept. Like me. Even though I tossed and turned most of the night because the universe hates me for being perfect.

                      Comment


                        Originally posted by Cid View Post
                        lol. He didn't show.



                        You should have slept. Like me. Even though I tossed and turned most of the night because the universe hates me for being perfect.
                        I did end up going to sleep. At 2:30
                        Originally posted by Wade
                        Everything is hidden in plain sight, like in Men in Black. We've all just been neuralized to think it is "normal".

                        Comment


                          kudos, it seems the earth is round for at least one more day

                          Comment


                            Originally posted by ChaosXVI View Post
                            My boyfriend will be making a profile tonight. Good luck to all.
                            so did you just make up a fake boyfriend or what
                            Originally posted by Kajin_Style
                            I have this illness called "Having-a-Heart" and gives me this irrational sense of empathy and care for my fellow man.

                            Comment


                            • Sheko
                              Sheko commented
                              Editing a comment
                              Did he beat you for talking with rounders?

                            • Thar
                              Thar commented
                              Editing a comment
                              That tends to happen when your mind is so buttfucked with lies.

                            • ChaosXVI
                              ChaosXVI commented
                              Editing a comment
                              No it tends to happen when I get diagnosed with a mesenteric blood clot.

                            Not to worry. The only thing he has to fear is sphere itself.

                            Comment


                              Hey NASALies welcome to the shit show. Cant wait to see all the comments fly in now.

                              Comment


                                Cid the new guy never got a confirmation e-mail so he can't post right now. Can you resend it?
                                Originally posted by Wade
                                Everything is hidden in plain sight, like in Men in Black. We've all just been neuralized to think it is "normal".

                                Comment


                                  Alright well since i rarely get the chance to talk to a flat earther, I want to know what reason this one has to believe that NASA would lie. How deep are we going, boys, lol. is it masonic rituals, and how antisemitic are we getting?

                                  Comment


                                    oh shit here we go not too late to run away and hide cid nobody will think any less of you
                                    Originally posted by Kajin_Style
                                    I have this illness called "Having-a-Heart" and gives me this irrational sense of empathy and care for my fellow man.

                                    Comment


                                      Originally posted by Pocket Rocket View Post
                                      oh shit here we go not too late to run away and hide cid nobody will think any less of you
                                      I'm not sure cid is even online rn

                                      Comment

                                      Working...
                                      X